At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
