Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
