I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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