The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
time to smoke my breakfast
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
