ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
