I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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