You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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