You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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