Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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