I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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