It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
