i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
