yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
