I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
