He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
