Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
