i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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