A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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