pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
