since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
