i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
