I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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