So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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