please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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