my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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