i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
