***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Who put my cat in the fridge?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
