my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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