I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
