before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
