I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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