I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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