I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
