i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is Oprah even human
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
