I could make wine with my vomit
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
