so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
