How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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