how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
