hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
