he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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