Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
