Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
