You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
