3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
