She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
