Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
