they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
