i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
