hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
