Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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