I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
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Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
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steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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