Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
