Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
