I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dicks are not precious.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
